How To Deal with Telemarketers:
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you
just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm
so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and
I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died..."
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them
where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many
people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they
married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or
questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my
name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second
and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy,
how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she
could know you from.
6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound
of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying
to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I
don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood?
Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?
9. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry
you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just
give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they
often can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer,
set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!!!"
and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her
if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call
him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers
cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't
want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer
will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.
13.Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14.Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold.
Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your
leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration"
and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But
I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your
mom?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak
up... louder... louder...louder...
20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY
WORD down.
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